On
Saturday 18th September we welcomed Birmingham Barbarians 1sts to Fortress
Tilehouse, a club formed with the merger of two Works sides, the Gouldbourn's
beloved Kynoch RFC & Birchfield Rugby Club in 2003. The former club being
three years older than ours having been established in 1924!
For
those under thirty this was back in the days when we had factories that actually
made things mainly from metal & Bakelite (or
polyoxybenzylmethylenglycolanhydride...true I don't make this stuff up). Ask Sid
all his toys were made of the stuff. Anyway over the years Baa Baas have grown
from just the one side to regularly running two and their Ones play in the
Staffordshire Merit League.
Our Head Groundsman Brian Collingwood had given the
pampas on Pitch Two a trim this week, so we were able to track the whereabouts
of the General throughout the entire game. With usual stunt skipper John Lonie still suffering
from the snuffles Marcus "the Shark" Hope retained the captaincy, and cleverly
lost the toss ensuring that we would be playing towards the beer in the second
half for a second week in succession.
A
welcome return for Richard "Jacko" Jacks in his first game of the season job
sharing with Rick "Swing" Lowe at hooker, ably supported by those two Pillars of
Hercules Mark "Dai" Baldwin and our twinkle toed loosehead Shannon "Sidestep"
Killarney. In the engine room the Goldbricks Phil & Alistair, with Rob
"Barstool" Bastock at No.8 and Marcus & Nick "the Assassin" Levy on the
flanks. Out in the Attendants this week, Phil "the General" Evans and a first
start to Ian "Nev" Neville at fly half, with Smoking moving out to fill the
planet sized vacuum left by Barrel (off watching that polyester clad rabble in
Aston). A debut to another former Solihull regular Jason "Jace the Ace" Goodwin
(bet he made that one up) at outside centre, and out on the wings young Kevin
"the Bolt" Coles and a man called Horse though Phil looks nothing like Richard
Harris (although he did play rugby apparently before moving to Hogwarts).
Sweeping up at the back following the late abduction of the Dubai Express by the
Development Side a real Yards leg end in Dave "Chicken " Hanson, someone who
makes Jason Statham look overweight.
On the
bench this week Bill "Gilbert" Burrows who also provided our nice new Guiness
match ball, in fact provided all of our balls...borderline
Kleptomania! Alongside John Lonie, Rick Lowe, Captain Slow and another Vandals
debutant Simon "Valerie" Singleton (bit obvious that, thought Shep might be too
oblique).
Having
opted for a real warm this week led by Shannon we got to work straight away.
Barbarians kicked off the ball being fielded by Barstool who immediately went
route one before being halted, we recycled short a couple of times before
Barbarians infringed, caught by eagle eyed referee Mr Darren Collingwood Esq.
The General took the quick penalty bringing in Chicken straight into the action,
who in turn fed Horse making twenty metres before the ball went out for a
lineout, from which Barbarians cleared their lines. But the tone of play was set
and from the ensuing lineout the General brought Bolt in off his wing who made
good ground before being tackled, our forwards recycled crisply and the ball
found its way to Chicken who in turn found Shannon in support who set Horse on
his way for our first score 5-0. Conversion missed (mental note
buy kicking tee for Nev)
From
the restart a good catch and set by Shannon saw the General feed Nev who puts in
a fine kick to pin Barbarians back in their twenty two. We win the lineout and
Smoking makes a great scything break cutting right which ultimately sees the
ball reach Horse in full stride and shows immense strength to go over in the
corner with at least four Barbarians hanging onto him. 10-0 Nev
pops over a fine conversion to give us a 12-0
lead.
From
the restart the ball finds its way to Barstool who sets off on a thirty metre
trundle up the pitch finally being brought down by sheer weight of numbers.
On the
quarter hour Barbarians finally manage to break out of their half only to drop
the pass with the line at their mercy, and the General clears to
touch.
Shortly afterwards Barbarians are awarded a scrum which
Jacko takes his first of four against the head in the first half, from which we
spin the ball wide through the hands of Nev, Smoking & Jace to Horse who is
hauled into touch right in the corner by three defenders. Barbarians win their
own lineout despite Marcus's & big Phil's best efforts and kick to clear,
the ball disappearing through the hole in Horse's breadbasket, scrum to
Barbarians. They go right and find space only to drop the final pass for a
second time. From the scrum Barstool & the General set off blind and make
twenty metres, the ever present Nick's up in support and we set, spin and Nev
breaks the line and feeds Smoking who chips into the corner for a lineout ten
metres from the Barbarians line. Big Phil pinches one and we go but
unfortunately the final pass to Chicken is adjudged forward.
Our
front row is up to the task and we snaffle another against the head, despite
being up against probably the heaviest front row we have faced this season.
Penalty, Alistair takes the quick one off the General
and makes twenty metres, the ball is reset and Bolt comes in on the diagonal,
passes to Chicken, who spins to Jace who tells Horse to stay out, selling the
verbal dummy, the Barbarians all looking to gang tackle Horse and Jace goes over
for a fine try 17-0
Conversion missed (I have now ordered tee off eBay)
Again
the restart picks out Shannon who spins it out right to Horse with Jacko in
support and we are finally driven into touch around their twenty two. The Shark
pinches this one, and we set so Shannon can unleash sidestep off a short ball.
Penalty for offside, we take it quick and Rob bludgeons his way to within ten
metres of the line, but Barbarians manage to turn it over and kick to
touch.
There
follows a short spell of scrappy play by both sides before we are awarded a
scrum on the left on our ten metre line, ball is secured and spun, Nev breaks
the line, Smoking in support, Chicken enters the line, to Jace who does pass
this time to Horse and over he goes for his hat-trick
22-0 Conversion missed (tee should arrive by Saturday)
Restart doesn't go ten, we scrum win possession and go
right, Horse takes, dummies, and passes inside to Jace back inside to Barstool
(anybody'd think these three have played together before) Barstool pops to the
General who has Marcus in support and who goes over near the posts.
27-0 Nev gets this one 29-0
Again the restart fails to make the distance and we are awarded a scrum
from which Chicken shows the defence a clean pair of heels to score
34-0, rather than wait he converts his own work
36-0
Halftime 36-0 Rick on for Jacko, Bill
on for Dai (though unplanned), Nev takes a breather so Smokes moves to ten, Jace
to twelve and Simon comes on at outside centre. Nick comes off Alistair moves
out onto the flank and John comes into the second row.
We're
offside from the kick off, when was the last time that bl**dy happened? Scrum to
Barbarians who have come out all guns blazing. The pressure is all Barbarians
and the first five minutes is subsequently spent in our twenty two, and then on
our line. Eventually the pressure tells and we concede a penalty which is taken
quickly and their big prop proves unstoppable at that range as he crashes over
close to the posts for their first score 36-5. Conversion
surprisingly missed.
We get our sh*t sorted and get back on the front foot within minutes of
the restart and Barbarians concede a penalty, the General ever alert takes it
quickly and new boy Simon makes a good break, he's stopped but we recycle take
it on a yard and go right, Smoking to Jason to Simon who sprints in for a debut
try under the posts. 41-5 Chicken converts
43-5
Barbarians up the tempo again and Smokes is unlucky
when an attempted interception just fails to stick. Undaunted Barbarians
continue to attack and we defend our line again with balls to the wall
belligerance. Their attacks are only finally halted by a neck injury to their
hooker, and not having a replacement Jacko volunteers to go back on for the
Baa Baas. Pressure back on we finally
infringe and the Barbarians scrum half takes it quickly, sells a good dummy to
go over 43-10 Conversion missed.
We
respond in the best possible way with Smoking's restart evading the opposition
and bouncing just inside touch, to give us good field position. Barbarians
despite Marcus's & Phil's best attempts secure their own ball and spin it
out to their big unit into the centre who shrugs off first Gary and then Simon
but is finally stopped in his tracks when Horse mugs him with ten metres to
go.
We're deep inside
our twenty two and the General sees that the Barbarians are at the gate so he
puts a neat chip over their heads and Bolt sets off in pursuit tearing up the
touchline, the ball comes to rest around the halfway line so we expect a fly
hack up the park; but what does Bolt do... he grinds to a virtual halt, looks
around, gets out his SatNav, checks the directions to the line, picks up the
ball and sprints the remaining forty metres to the line to score
48-10 Conversion missed.
There
now apparently followed some small amount of discussion between our front row
and Mr Collingwood expressing some minor safety concerns, now I thought it went
"crouch, touch, pause, & engage" however, with the referee ultimately
loosing his patience and opting for his own unique version of " just flipping
crouch".
Soon
after, this weeks real comic moment arrived courtesy of the General who takes a
quick tap penalty and promptly falls over with no one near
him.
He soon gets another chance ten
metres out from the Barbarians line his quick pass finds Shannon who pops to
hard working Bill in support, we set and recycle for John Lonie to go over for a
well earned try near the posts 53-10 Chicken converts
55-10
Still Barbarians
wont lie down and score another consolation try, conversion missed (perhaps they
could borrow our new tee) 55-15
All change Slow on for Marcus, Dai
back on, Gilbert switches to No.8, Ali G takes a breather, and Rob goes to
openside, and we're down to 14 as Horse goes off too in a brief moment of
confusion with Captain Slow.
Our final try another fine individual
effort by debutant Simon leaving the defence for dead running in his second try
from 60 metres 60-15. Coversion sails wide and that's your
lot.
Final score 60-15 Final age
649.